Joe Quirk’s evolutionary biology leads to sex and a soul mate.

These days in our relationship-obsessed society, to be single ranks right up there with other mortal sins like toenail fungus. Sure, if you haven’t found your soul mate by now there are Web sites and services at your disposal. But just like drug and alcohol rehab, many of these don’t work. Alameda resident Joe Quirk, an admitted non-credentialed scientist but nonetheless well versed in evolutionary biology, theorizes that snagging a life mate has nothing to do with astrology or signing up with the right dating service. In his new book Sperm Are from Men, Eggs Are from Women (Running Press, 2006), Quirk’s main premise is that it’s in our genetic makeup for men to want to spread their surplus seed while women just want to find one good sperm donor for their finite number of eggs. Once you understand this (and a few other things), finding somebody to love, cherish, and pay off your credit cards is a piece of cake. As a public service for all my wretched single friends, I called on Quirk to expound further on what makes the world go round.

Paul Kilduff: Is there any hope for low-status, non-alpha males and women who aren’t potential beauty contest winners?

Joe Quirk: Most people are homely shlumps—genes for mediocrity dominate in the population. That means mediocre people are having most of the sex. Yea for us!

PK: You write that alpha males have allies and enemies, but few friends. Is it lonely at the top?

JQ: High-status male executives suffer more heart disease, hypertension, and other diseases. If they fail, they have no support network. They die considerably earlier than their wives. There’s an amazing film of two high-rank chimps staring each other down like Clint Eastwood and Pierce Brosnan. When the standoff was finally over, one of the chimps went behind a bush and had a private anxiety attack. He gasped and whimpered like a juvenile. Then he appeared before his tribe strutting and hiding his limp that he’d received from a fight. Alpha male primates are under tremendous strain, and they are alone in their suffering, because they are afraid to admit weakness.

PK: Are you saying that women are predisposed to finding the right mate to fertilize a few of their eggs and stick around to support the long child-rearing process, while men, who have an unlimited supply of sperm, can’t help but want to spread it around like Johnny Appleseed?

JQ: Because children take so long to raise, men desire two things: fertile bodies and good mothers to raise the result. Men evolved to fall in love with good potential mothers and stick around to make sure their child survives on the dangerous Pleistocene savanna. But there’s a problem. Ooo! In that last heartbeat, I just produced a thousand sperm. I don’t mean to brag, but sperm are like nothing to me. Just because I invest my love and labor into one woman’s offspring, doesn’t mean I don’t have spare sperm. Can’t hurt to toss a couple extra out there and see if they take. Women are no better! Because children take so long to raise, women inherited two needs: good nests and good genes. The best nest might come from your husband. The best genes might come from somebody else’s husband. It’s hard to get both in the same man.

PK: Do nice guys really finish last?

JQ: Ten thousand people in 37 cultures were asked what qualities they found most attractive in a potential mate. “Kindness” was rated in the top three for both genders in every culture. I have a chapter called “How Kindness Became Sexy” which shows evidence that Homo Erectus men and women chose each other based on their creativity, kindness, and intelligence, which spurred the rapid evolution of our big brains. We are outraged when mean people win, precisely because we have a moral instinct. For the last four million years, nice guys outevolved the mean guys.

PK: At my daughter’s preschool the boys weren’t allowed to play with toy guns or other weapons, but were very good at improvising their way around this rule. The girls hogged the dress-up room and dolls. Is this nature-beats-nurture hands down?

JQ: There is no such thing as a nature/nurture debate. It’s something that caught on in the media because it rhymes. You can’t have one without the other. You can’t impose a culture on a rock. You can only impose culture on an animal designed by genes to learn from culture. The environment is like the computer programmer, but the gene is the program. You can’t teach a boy that projectiles are boring for the same reason you can’t run iTunes on your Kodak software.

PK: Are humans naturally disposed to monogamy like swans or are we more like dogs?

JQ: Actually, most monogamous animals are birds, dogs, and apes. The longer it takes offspring to grow up, the more males evolve to commit to one female and help raise the offspring. Our species has the longest childhood in the animal kingdom, so we are programmed to fall in love and get jealous. But some of our ancestors passed on genes by sneaking nooky on the side.

PK: Your book makes you out to be dateless and then a swinger. What happened?

JQ: When you’re a science geek, it’s hard to get chicks. So I figured: Why not let my geekdom work for me? I studied the opposite sex like a scientist. Then I used biology to get laid. I was so excited by this, I wrote a book about it, and I gave the book to a woman I was dating at the time. She used the same principles to get me to commit. Now we’re married. Evolutionary biology will teach you how to get love and get laid.

PK: Can we attribute the low birth rate in affluent countries to any biological reason?

JQ: Starving societies have lots of kids partially because wealth is measured in number of children, plus you need a bunch of kids to make sure some survive. People in wealthy societies invest all their resources in one or two children to make sure they get into high-status positions in their tribes. In any case, rich people and poor people have virtually the same genes.

PK: How does the advent of the stay-at-home dad figure into your theories? Would this species have survived on the Pleistocene savanna?
JQ: Our species wouldn’t have evolved without committed fatherhood. I used to be a male nanny, otherwise known as a manny. There were a lot of Homo Erectus male babysitters who passed on extra genes by being good fathers. That’s why men inherited parental instincts that are almost as efficient as women’s.

PK: Why are glamorous celebrities so unlucky in love? Is it, as you report Chris Rock saying, because men are only as faithful as their options?

JQ: They’re trapped in the modern American fallacy, which is that if we’re beautiful, rich, and famous enough, we will finally achieve happiness through having unlimited power to indulge our selfishness. But Homo Sapiens evolved to love. The deepest human need is to belong. It’s in our tribal instincts. I went on an expensive cruise once, and learned it’s impossible to indulge your way to happiness. Only passionate dedication to people you love brings fulfillment.

PK: Arranged marriages—wouldn’t that make everything easier?

JQ: I have a Pakistani friend in a happy arranged marriage who makes eloquent arguments that parents are better qualified to pick their child’s mate than the child’s emotions. All civilizations try to control the reproductive impulses of the young.

PK: What do you hope your book will do for people?

JQ: When I first came to understand the principles of sociobiology, I learned to succeed with women even though I was broke. But as I read more about why the emotions of people with wombs evolved, I understood women’s needs more deeply. I found to my surprise I became a good friend to women, because I empathized with their unique needs. I was like a gay man! My wife still remembers that when I met her, I said, “I’m a good lover but a terrible boyfriend. Just back off, babe. I’ve never been in a monogamous relationship.” Yet now she says I’m such a good husband. How did the change happen? Believe it or not, studying the biology of human nature. I understand women, and more importantly, I understand myself. And that can be used for good or evil. Don’t let your mate read this without you reading it first.

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